So i've never written a post ever on any forum, ever, and since things have changed for me recently, i'd decide to give this a go. Might not come back to this but i want to get whats in my head out there and see if anyone has anything to say about me and my problems.
My problems: I care about my family too much. I'm almost certain that I have depression, mild anxiety and a myriad of other mental health problems but I've never been properly diagnosed because I care about my family too much to have them worry about me at all. I also come from a culture where mental health is not a 'real' problem, but rather a thing for the weak or the bored.
I think about death a lot BUT i'm not suicidal. I'm fine with death and i'm not scared of it but I would never be able to go through with it as long as my parents are alive because I can't put them through all that pain. If they died though, I would have not much of a reason to keep going, but that is not the point of this post.
I've always been very aware of my issues and i've always been able to talk myself down in my head like there was a third person that tells the two conflicting voices in my head what to do. This third voice sounds like a trusty friend, insightful parent, or even a advising counsellor, when i think about it. This voice knows what people views as normal and suppresses my arguing voices to make me seem 'normal'. It usually takes effort but I know it works because everyone thinks I'm still this smiley, happy girl, which really hasn't been the case since about 7 years ago (when my first encounter of death in the family happened)
My dog (who's been with me for almost 15 years) died yesterday and I was sad but it wasn't a fearful, regretful sadness. It was more of a "i'll miss you" and "we've spent good time together" happy sadness, though it was really sudden and shocking. I still miss him but I don't think I'm doing too bad. My parents on the other hand haven't been able to sleep, eat, not spontaneously cry, and not talk about morbidity every couple of hours. They also hug me a lot because they think its comforting for me, and probably themselves too.
I guess what I'm saying is that is it weird that I'm so aware of what I'm almost sure I have? Does this mean I don't have these mental health issues because it doesn't really affect my daily life and I know what triggers it, how to control it, and what works/doesn't work? Do other people with mental health issues experience this too?
An analogy (if you're still reading): I deal with my problems like dealing with my period. When it starts, I know what I can do to not let it leak out for the world to see. I know what the best way to deal with the dirty pad/tampon is, to chuck it out (feeling all my feelings/non-feelings but in a physical location where no one will see me then throw them out or at least leave them where they can't be seen). I clean up after myself and flush the bloody mess away (make sure no one can physically see or pick out that I have problems at any point of any time)
What do you think?

Okay so I know this is going to be a lot to take in.. but take it in small peices.
Okay so first off some backstory:
Hi.. You can call me Katie, im a teenager and having a lot of trouble in my home life, I have a boyfriend who threatens to kill himself a lot and my dads an alcoholic, he is a recovering addict, and he once cheated on my mom. My mom on the other hand has horrible depression and anxiety. She said I could tell her if I was ever struggling with mental health but it's going to take me awhile to tell them. The way I combat these feelings I get about my family and friends is I self harm...a lot, don't eat, stay up late, and convice myself I'm okay when I'm not. Just tonight I cut about *mod edit* times on each arm.. I'm not sure how to help myself stop it I want to..
What I'm on here for:
I want to figure out ways to stop cutting and to tell my parents about cutting, my anxiety, and my depression. I have some friends I've told and they gave me some ideas I just want to be able to stop cutting before I tell them. I feel like I am insane and should be in a mental hospital because of the thoughts that run through my mind.
Next is I'll give you some things I thought of tonight:
I thought for a long time about suicide and on why I shouldn't. I should be dead, I was a mistake. Why am I here just to get screwed over? why isn't it over. Why is anyone my friend I'm not a good friend. Why does anyone trust me. Why shouldn't I be dead. I miss my grandma I should see him (His story will be next) Why can't I tell my parents. I can't even tell my friends the whole truth.
My grandpas story:
When I was 2-3 We rushed to my grandparents house. My grandpa was about to die and he was waiting for me. When we showed up I ran inside and gave him a huge hug the help his hand kissing it once in awhile. I remember him shutting his eyes and everyone pushing me out of the way. I was really confused and he was rushed out the door (for now on this is my kid mind till the ☆ comes) He was put onto a stretcher and pushed over a green crayon colored in hill with flowers over it, over the meadow and off to the distance. ☆ I wasn't sure what my kid mind thought but thats one thing that's always been my trigger is someone saying something horrible about their grandparents because I didn't know my grandpa well but he was and always will be a huge influence on my life.
Oh my lord if you read all of that thanks haha its a lot to take in and shouldn't be digested all at one time. Thank you so much again I just kinda needed to organize my thoughts.

Mood: Exhausted
Listening to: Blake Shelton - Sure be cool if you did


It is one of those nights where I cannot get my mind to shut up. I am so sleepy but alas it manages to escape me. Racing thoughts and the like, This is my first time online today and it is 4:45 am so I guess that would technically mean that I was not online at all yesterday. I have not been able to focus enough on one thing to read a book. That is very stressful as reading is an outlet for me, I have my youtube playlist playing on shuffle so I don't even have to make a decision about a song cause right now my mind won't let me even think on it enough. I thought coming on here and writing for a bit would make me feel better or at least give me something to do but even now it is difficult to focus enough not to stray the subject. I love music there is rarely a time in my life that music is not playing. I listen to just about every genre I can think of with the exception of polka. Lately when I try to go to sleep paranoia takes over, it seems like the moment I become "still" the $#%^ hits the fan so to speak. Paranoia,agitation, conversations in my head with more than one voice. WTF? I moved across the country and have yet to see a therapist or mental health professional for that matter. I have been off meds since roughly June. I sometimes feel like I am watching my life play in front of me like a movie without the option to react. I mean my body is reacting but I am not, what the hell is that about? The other night I went to bed around 3 am to try to sleep but the moment I stopped listening to music and reading articles online and settled down in my bed with the lights off it got ugly. First the paranoia set in, it was extreme. I felt like I was screaming inside my mind but no sounds escaped me. It seemed endless then a soft little crying voice was in my head like a thought but not my thought. Then the weirdest thing happened.... I got this mental image of a little girl crying holding a teddy bear curled up in a corner. I don't know how I knew but the little girls name is Sophia and she is 6. I have never seen this little girl before so how would I know her in my mind? Let me say this, My name is not Sophia and I have never personally met anyone by that name. After the image of the little girl left the "screaming" in my head started back up. I don't know.... I am lost and not sure what is going on. After that night I called and made an appointment with a dr in the new town I am in. I am nervous about going to a new dr, I do not trust easily and I don't know if I can open up to them.

I am 27 and have lived with cutting for most of my life lately I have put quite a lot of thought into when in started or why I started. I think back and remembered cutting at 11 years old why I did it not a clue could have got in trouble or something but it was a *mod edit* razer yet its been months scents I have shopped for the in boulck there still around. its been 16 years I have been cutting....

Today day and time 20th:
Its been hard lately I know what I do is far from OK good or safe
A key that keeps me going to deep or bleed for to long is the thought of tears on my sisters face.
I'm do to have a son in two months.
Her head games to help this time I'm going through.
Its been three days every night shower on blade out cut *mod edit* times upper arm tell my heart slows to a mild beat a twitch here a twitch there I fill like I'm taking to far waking up or fading out in a tub of my sin filled blood

Not really sure why I'm writing all I know is I'm lost only wish I can cry it out ....

I had pretty bad anxiety today too. Honestly it comes and goes, theres times when i feel like im fine and maybe i was making a big deal out of things and the next im anxious and i feel gross and judged and im scared of what others would think.

I keep having disgusting and shameful intrusive thoughts, mainly focusing around my mom. Sexual thoughts about her and about her (or her and i) eating feces and bestiality etc, etc. Basically everythig i find gross or disturbing + sexual thoughts + my mom. And i know i sort of think them on purpose to torture myself or whatever and i just have to will them to go away bc im in control of my own mind but its hard.
I feel bad about being distant with her bc i constantly feel weird and uncomfortable due to all these thoughts and i just wanna be left alone.
So as if POCD wasnt bad enough i also apparently have incest ocd and bestiality ocd (if thats even a thing).

I feel like im seeking reassurance more than anything. Like i just want people to tell me im not a disgusting person and they dont want me dead and i can be forgiven.

And a huge part of me thinks maybe i wouldnt even care about having been turned on by incest or pedophillia or bestiality if people didnt look down on it and i wasnt so terrified of being hated and an outcast and thats scary.

There were times when i actually thought that pedophillia wasnt bad if the minor was truly ok with it (though that was probably bc as a child discovering my sexuality i liked being “jailbait” and for older ppl to be attracted to me due to my bad self esteem), or i thought bestiality was ok as long as the animal wasnt being hurt or forced (and it took a lot of thinking to understand that its bad bc youre using an innocent creature that only mates to breed for your pleasure without them being able to consent so it doesnt matter if they werent hurt or forced, or at least thats the conclusion i got to), or that incest is ok as long as its not rape (i mean 99% of cases *are* rape or manipulation, i guess its not wrong exactly if its on that 1% but its still gross).

Theres times when i also think like “what if we were still in a society that thought pedophillia was normal, would i be attracted to children then? would i *want* to live in that lind of society just to feel less guilty?”.

I hate that ive had all these thoughts and i hate that the only reason i might feel bad is bc it occured to me how gross everything i did was when i said it out loud and i started wondering what people would think.

Anyways. On the brighter side of things, i can still enjoy my japanese class. And im trying to get back into anime, though its hard not to feel ashamed when i look at cjaracters and think about how past me would have sexualized them. Of course im staying away from l*li/sh*ta type characters but even watching highschool anime makes me feel weird even though i just graduated last year.
I still feel like i cant enjoy things like i used to, ive been wanting to listen to one of my favorite songs but i dont want to “taint” it with the memory of having listened to it during the time i doubted whether i was a pedophille or a zoophille or attracted to family members. Same thing with my favorite games.

The one thing that has made me feel better during this whole thing are other people going through the same thing in forums like these. It makes me feel so much more normal knowing that others experience these kind of things too, though i do envy the ones where you can tell 100% its all in their heads and they didnt do anything wrong bc i feel like i totally did.

I feel like i keep waiting for that feeling of relief. Like that “Ohh i was just being dumb and exaggerating and none of what i did was wrong, how stupid of me to worry about that”. But when it doesnt come bc i did in fact did many things wrong i feel worse again.

Anyways, i dont think anyones reading these things but i hope everyone is doing well, or at least better than yesterday.